Filmmaker & Photographer London, UK


My not so secret diary


Up around 8, I have breakfast and then head to pick up my laundry. I get back, email and eat some breakfast. I have more than usual as i'll not be bale to eat later due to the surgery on my mouth today. 

Surgery doesn't go as it should and i'll have to come back for some more 'fun' in a few weeks. Before i'm sedated, i'm told by my surgeon that there's a very small chance she might hit a nerve that could cause permanent damage and leave a tingling sensation on my lower lip. "It won't change your facial features so don't worry about that." I'm instantly more nervous. I don't like the sound of that. The tingling I mean, not the facial reconstruction, i'm ok with how I look thanks.

A little after the sedation kicks in I can remember telling everyone "i'd rather drink the anaesthetic than eat marzipan." I have no idea why I said that but I did. Throughout the op i'm awake but not really sure what's happening. I remember hearing lots of voices but not seeing the people, I kept going in and out of consciousness which felt strange. I remember thinking I felt like I was playing a part in Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, one of my favourite films.

Back home. I forget the one thing i'm told to do. 

"As soon as you get home you must take pain killers, once the anaesthetic wears off it will be painful."

The pain is horrific. I feel like a bus has hit my face and then an army is continually trampling on on me over and over. Reduced to tears I scramble for the pain killers and sit on the bathroom floor with blood oozing from my mouth. I make it to bed and fall straight to sleep, exhausted. I wake up 20 minutes later, there's blood everywhere. I read the letter on recovery I was given. It says i'll bleed, so I panic less. I can't eat till tonight and i'm starving. I spend the rest of the day going in and out of sleep. Imogen keeps coming in to check on me, just sitting by the bed looking at me for ages then walking off. Weirdly, she makes me feel safe. Not a lot makes sense today.

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